I dreamed of being a singer, a writer, a doctor, a ballerina and a police officer. I knew in my heart that all of those things were possible (even all at once) if I just worked hard enough and believed. My destiny was an open road with a million possibilities.

But that was yesterday...

Yesterday I was a teen. As a teen, I did stupid things and thought they made me cool. I pushed the envelope of authority and called it growing up. My world revolved around my friends and my own wants and desires and I knew no fear because I was invincible. My parents and my Savior were still there and though I kept them tucked away safely in a little corner of my mind, I only interacted with them when I had to. Family dinners and outings were things of duty and prayer was a thing of absolute necessity when I got really jammed up and couldn't possibly get myself out of it on my own. Life was meant to be lived and enjoyed, not lived under someone's thumb, and I did my best to live it on my own terms.

My Savior was no longer my best friend. He had been replaced by other teens who were just as lost and confused as I was. Jesus had become the guy who didn't want me to have any fun and what had always been my safety net had turned into a prison that I was driven to escape from. Being a “church girl” was about as bad as being a “band nerd” and neither of them made you popular.

As a teen, I still dreamed big dreams, but in my “reality,” I understood that dreams were great ways to pass the time and nothing more. Dreams were “what if's” and “wouldn't it be cool?” moments but they didn't get you into college or pay your bills. Attainable goals took the forefront and dreams went from riding shotgun to hanging on to the back bumper of the car. My destiny was a road trip with only a few choices of destinations.

But that was yesterday...

Yesterday I was a young adult. As a young adult, I woke up bravely each day to face the world, still fighting to walk in it on my terms. My road trip had led to a full-time job, college classes at night, a husband and then a baby. The carefree teen had become Miss Responsibility and I felt like the weight of the entire world rode on my shoulders. My world revolved around doing a good job at work to help pay the bills; making good grades in school so I could get a better job; taking care of a home, husband and child. I was constantly broke and exhausted all of the time. Life was something you fought your way through, and I did my best to never get knocked out of the ring.

I knew that Jesus was there, somewhere, but didn't believe that he was that interested in my life because if he had even glanced my way, things would have been easier. As the daughter-in-law of a pastor, I dutifully dressed up every Sunday that we were in my in-laws town and put on my “everything is wonderful” face to sing songs I didn't know as “special music” for a congregation of strangers and in-laws I didn't like anymore than they liked me. In my mind, Jesus was not acting like he was my friend so I certainly wasn't going to act like I was his.

As a young adult, my once attainable goals took the place of my dreams and my reality was just treading water and paying the bills on time while still being able to buy groceries. My destiny was set in stone and it was a life of struggle and sacrifice.

But that was yesterday...

Yesterday I was in my 30s – the prime of my life. The safe bubble of my childhood had been burst time and time again. Being beaten and raped and losing my dad to murder had shown me that there was no such a thing as “safe” and after a time of not caring at all, I had come back as a fighter who would die before becoming a victim again. My marriage had fallen apart and I had remarried a man who was more like my partner than I thought possible, but things weren't much easier. Life was a test of your sanity and something that would kill you in the end. I did my best to make it through each day with as few bumps and bruises as possible.

I went from mostly ignoring my Savior to being actively furious with him for allowing my path to take so many wrong turns and for making things so hard. I convinced myself that it was my own inner strength that kept me going, rather than a loving God and when people talked of how he carries you through your toughest times, I laughed in their faces because had I been carried even an inch, my knees wouldn't have been so bloody from dragging myself along. As a woman in my 30s, my dream dreams as well as my attainable goal dreams were seen as nothing more than the silliness of youth. Every day I “got up to make the donuts” and was lucky to survive long enough to see my own bed at night. My destiny was a footnote of my childhood dreams and my reality was struggle and sacrifice.

But that was yesterday...

Today I am a woman in my 40s. As a mature Christian woman, I have come a long way in my journey. I now understand that safety is a relative term and in the physical world, safety is not a guarantee. Bad things happen to good people for no apparent rhyme nor reason and being a Christian does not make you immune to evil, yet I fear no evil. I realize that life is not supposed to be an easy walk in the park because without times of trouble, we would never appreciate the good times and we would never feel a need to turn to Christ for our comfort and support. Life is a journey with good days and bad days that leads you toward an eternity in Heaven. The road that you take and any turns that you make are by your own choices and should you make bad ones, they have to be walked out and endured just as the good ones are to be walked in and enjoyed.

Jesus is once again my best friend and daily companion. I have come to understand that he never turned his back on me and in my trials, he did in fact, carry me. I just refused to take off my blinders long enough to see him standing there. I spent years trying to build a wall between he and I – first with excuses, then with petty ignorance and finally with anger. Yet through my many attempts, He never walked away, deciding that I wasn't worth the time or trouble. Instead, he waited patiently and reached through my wall whenever I was too tired to fight him off to give me strength. I look back at all of the years that I wasted and want to scream at myself for being so ignorant and stubborn. Hindsight is always 20/20 and even though I understand how much time I threw away, I also know that the bad choices I made and the bad circumstances I found myself in were not God's fault and they helped make me the person that I am today. His perfect strength shines the brightest in my weakness and it always has; even when I have been too blind to see it.

As a woman in my 40s, my dreams are no longer my own. My small visions of my future have been overshadowed and superseded by the plans made for me by the King. He who spoke the world into existence created me for a glorious purpose. He will never lead me down the wrong road or give me bad advice and his plans for me are bigger and grander than anything my small imagination could come up with on my best day. The today that I am able to see and the tomorrow that I plan for are nothing more than a blink in time. Jesus sees my entire journey, from beginning to end, with every pit stop along the way. If I am to live in his purpose, then consulting my own map rather than trusting in his is foolish and will lead me nowhere. My destiny has been written since the beginning of time. My choice has always been whether to follow the path that leads me to it or take a side trip to write my own comedy of errors. I wrote my own script long enough and suffered the consequences of it. Now I follow the script written in love and realize that my journey just gets better and better every day.

This is my today ...